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July 14, 2012
faded acceptance…

walking like my feet aren’t touching the ground,that’s the walk ii like most. my eyes are open, yet ii still fail to see anything clear. not because my blood is infused, but because ii take being this blind as an advantage.

this breeze is  shoreline worthy, and my all black attire wrapped in Mum’s breezy shawl is the ultimate accessory. my lips are huge, maybe a little too huge to be sporting this bold hybrid color of fuchsia/plum, but ii’m sure someone will assure me that it somehow works for this look ii have going.

the day of my dear cousin’s birth has come & passed, pity pity that ii could not indulge for the sake of being financially handicap. but anytime we have hang time, it’s a darling time. so ii bowed out gracefully for the night’s festivities, and dived into my vices.

1:14am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKn_88
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
July 14, 2012
eyes to the sky…

pray for strength.

pray for guidance.

pray for perseverance.

& believe in it.

…even if you don’t know how to pray formally.

if there was anything ii learned over the past few days, weeks, months and years, it was to not treat people how they may treat you. hold your tongue, meditate on what transpired. you’ll come into having open eyes when you begin to take how you treat others into perspective.

also, you develop a better sense of that individual or those people so that you can avoid such burning disappointment in the future. once you shun the destructive impulse of becoming enraged, spiteful, and/or resentful, you come into acknowledging the beauty of your own character with a strong embrace. this will assist you in deterring feelings of pity, remorse, and disgust for the opposing party.

a slight smile, twinkling eye, chill up the spine, quiet joke inside your head, quick dance, or spin in place may override any displaced emotion, & thus, you will continue your day’s activity unphased.

& THAT, is more evidence of a divine embodiment of freedom, which cannot be explained, but instead, cherished.

12:29am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKmq6X
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July 4, 2012
deep stare…

we are all just people.

an ongoing process of becoming. struggles and efforts made to maintain and/or achieve a level of being.

we fall victim to emotions. we turn ourselves into the prison of committing ourselves to things and/or people which serve no moral purpose in our development. it sometimes takes a wide array of signs and occurences to wake us up from the subjective bliss we entangle ourselves in.

for once we come to realize that a particular way of living does not suit our potential, aspirations, and beliefs, we are quick to omit all that it entails. if you do not understand the purpose of a life, you step outside of it, and sometimes walk away to get a better understanding. with that time and space, you’ll also find yourself not wanting to return, thus, having a new road to travel.

the thing that makes matters worst is the reluctance to accept these bold truths. hence, we delve into these bouts of depression, resentment, anguish, narcissism, convenience -and if we’re not careful with our rationalizing- we will find ourselves with a one way ticket routed to nihilism. tunnel vision to that extent can drive a madman sane. grudges will always be that smudge on the mirror one can’t wipe clear. future endeavors, behaviors, & interpersonal relationships go tainted for eons. and self loathing will eventually become a trademark to any association developed.

12:54am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKnW_H
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July 3, 2012
deep sigh…

ii’ve outgrown this space. ii’ve outgrown this place. ii’ve outgrown compromising my comfort.

ii have no home. ii have nothing to call my own, besides all of this clutter ii can assume is mine.

ii have many, yet so so few to turn to. reliability is a stretch, & loyalty is becoming scarce. ii’m always on the go. ii can’t stay still. it used to be due to the grind. nowadays it’s just to not be confined. not to overstay welcomes. not to catch feelings. not to stick around to witness the wackness of people undeserving of my time. time ii waste wisely. time ii hesitate to take full advantage of. time ii refuse to take at times. ii just have to make my own.

ii don’t have to rush anything, because ii may not be ready for whatever it is ii’m trying to get to. or there may not even be anything there once ii reach. it’s like rushing to go get something to eat, yet ii don’t even know what it is that ii want to eat, nor an appetite to satisfy.

so ii can afford to take my time… because ii can’t afford to waste my time.

or allow anyone else to.

11:56pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKm0qE
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July 3, 2012
there goes another one…

ii used to be in one of those cabs zooming down broadway, secretly envying one of the many night walkers ii saw strolling.

always in a rush, racing the clock to reach a fantasy where ii thought ii was the almighty creator and ruler of time. all the while ii was just wasting it, becoming further entrapped in that compromised comfort.

since those days, a valued liberation has nestled. now ii’m one of those wanderers standing outside of the 24hour deli, in the wee-hours of the morning, not too far from the twilight hour, watching yellow rockets pass as ii calmly inhale & exhale this wood tip. ii wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.

ii’m content with my location. content with my position living the life ii’ve dreamed of, the life ii’ve wanted. the life ii’ve created.

all clearly evident that it really isn’t ever “too late” to achieve anything.

11:23pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKldKM
Filed under: saydizumm writing nostalgia 
July 3, 2012
blackouT.

ii suppose there would be a rant to fill this space, if ii had not come into this settling peace already.

before my blood boils, before my eyes begin to cut at everything within sight, before my raging monster hulks up and begins to tear off strips and chunks of my inner organs, muscles, tissues and veins, before ii begin to see red, and before one of the voices in my head takes the mic to begin its malicious spoken word segment.

ii would take a deep breath (hold it for a few seconds maybe). press my lips tightly together (bite into the bottom one for a few seconds maybe). put my head down on my lap, & keep my eyes open: hovering over this purse that looks like it’s been on many adventures, nearing its end. staring at these tattered stockings for an unmeasured amount of time. thinking of what could be, what could have been, what can be, what will be.

the beauty that is to be embraced. the negativity that is to be shunned. the new windows of thought & inspiration to be opened. the senses that are to be enhanced. the scents of the world’s oceans to be indulged, the tastes of Life which are yet to be served.

every moment’s experience is to be cherished. it would set in place a drive which ii am in control. where ii set the pace. where ii change the gears at my own timing.

ii noticed that when people don’t have a lot or enough of time to think, they come up with irrational theories & their defenses stack up. ii would love to scream “shut up & think!”, but then that’s just adding onto the suppression & concealment of emotions, then stumps the thought process. so a light laugh will have to suffice, like, always.

it would be ideal for humans to be able to pierce through each others’ skulls and sink into one another’s thoughts (with permission, of course), but although mankind has this delusion that mankind is its own greatest creation and the bearers of all God’s greatness, glory, & talent, that actually initiating a thought then processing it and coming to a rational/logical (hopefully more rational) conclusion seems bogus and unattainable.

sad -BUT- as someone great (since whoever copyrights quotes are automatically deemed great) once said, “those who know, teach”.

and ii guess that’s my take on today’s lesson(s) learned.

2:22pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKl6tV
Filed under: saydizumm writing zone blackout 
July 3, 2012
in retrospect…

if ii wrote my thoughts on that past week, ii’d be a new york times best seller already. the weekend wasn’t even halfway through, yet ii had reached about 5 forks in the road. the road to where exactly, is the ultimate subject in question. ii have a bitter taste in my judgement, ii wish ii could trace back to the roots.

(later on…)

ii wake up every day & feel better about the day before. mainly because it’s over, ii learned something new, and ii made it through.

ii aim high, ii believe in my potential, and ii feel good, so ii do good. ii attempt to bring people closer, to eventually unite the world. ii have soul, & my spirit isn’t lackluster. ii have thoughts, which run ahead of me, and ii can’t always put into words, but able to demonstrate through my actions.

…this has been a test of the emergency feedback system. 

(in the event of an actual emergency, you would receive visuals to stimulate your mental.)

1:52pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKkdkj
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
July 3, 2012
watch…

ever stare at something so intense, so focused on it that you could almost swear you’re able to make it move?

or you’re looking at an object in your hands that is meant for you to be utilizing, but all you can manage to do with those seconds/minutes (hours if you’re really tuned in), is stare intently, until a purpose or need comes along for you to initiate action.

that’s what ii just did with this phone. that’s what ii usually do with my pen in hand, staring at mysterious blank pages.

the difference now though, is that ii wrote all of this. as miniscule as it may be, ii still wrote something. 

…& ii feel great.

1:09pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKj-wX
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July 3, 2012
womp.

these thoughts need to be recorded in a timely manner. it outrages me to know that a moment’s gold will be overwritten and discarded with the birth of a new thought.

even these dreams distract me. ii can’t wake up recollecting the last thought(s) ii had in my waking state because ii’m preoccupied with running back into my dreams’ history. thoughts just don’t work in my favor.

anyway though…

ii have this ache. it’s in my hands. comparable to a lifeless body receiving an electric boost to jump start the heart. ii’m hardly ever prepared for what comes out on the receiving end. never really makes sense when ii retrace my path of thought, yet those who feed into my rants claim they’re golden. ii don’t know if ii should take any of it as an honor, until ii’m rewarded with honors. but those can take a lifetime to obtain. & ii’m not in it to be praised.

ii’m in it because ii live it.

12:41pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKjd3C
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
July 1, 2012
onEdge…edgeOn

ii have no shame.

ii feel justified to stand here with no blindfold on. forever aroused by the nakedness of Truth… such an alluring temptress.

what more needs to be said, when every point ii dared to make has already been screamed out…

do ii make more mistakes, just so ii can learn from what ii already know. can ii really control my history that is to come, or has it already been laid out for me to glide along the tracks & just soak in the sometimes steady, sometimes rugged ride.

until a revelation is reached, ii’ll continue to twirl in these omens, not taking head to warnings, and closing my eyes when ii reach the cliff.

6:34pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKii1P
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
June 30, 2012
nature versus nurture.

your Mother’s worries are your worst nightmares. 

unfortunately, we live it. & then hide it. 

so we can never show it. 

& they never feel it. 

but we feel the most. 

& they teach us the most. 

so we just do what we’re suppose… In their eyes. 

& then get mad & rage
when we tell them not to be surprised… at what we do. how we do it. what we surround ourselves with. & what they fear we build ourselves up to. 

yet they fail to see.

the goodness which was instilled. the compassion, the truth, the realness they allowed us to see. the motivation that made us want to be. 

who we are. what we want to do. how we wanna do it.  who we wanna be. 

just because we were birthed from them. we are a part of them. we represent them. & all they aspire to be. 

which makes the bloodline essentially  legendary. 

& all the moments of opportunity which we either took advantage of or passed up makes our lives even more worth the while. 

so when we reach a moment of realization and evaluate what parts of life we value the most, you will always contribute an ode to those who had a part of your development.

who helped you grow. who helped you see. who made you think. who convinced you to live. 

because at that moment you may have been on edge. may have been so gone. may have given all you thought you had to offer. & may have been running on your final lifeline. 


“but it’s always darkest before the dawn”  

& it’s not only parents that raise us.

9:36pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQslm6zjx
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
March 28, 2012
hello.

my name is Sadism (pronounced Say-Diz-Umm).

ii don’t believe in age, ii have no care for time, ii’m a non-conformist, & creative enthusiast. ii have a pup named Kitty, we live in newjersey, and we spend a lot of quiet time together. ii enjoy daydreaming, sleeping, new tastes, sights, sounds, & adventures. ii noticed You a while back, and although ii only see You occasionally, ii can’t shake this feeling in the space between my lungs & gut. my mind takes me on these weightless trips -no baggage necessary- and it’s just Us in that world… wherever that is. it always looks like earth, but ii know it’s not. ii’m taking a risk by putting myself out there like this, & ii hope ii don’t feel like a sucker afterwards. but ii just thought of You, & thought ii should let these thoughts become a part of Yours just as the thought of You is a part of mine.

if You happen to consider, please, do not hesitate to make me the biggest part of Your life.

[sealed with hope.]

12:12am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKf_8g
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
March 27, 2012
myLove, myLove… where are you.

ii can’t reach You, the feel is distant, Your sound is needed.

what is there to be written that won’t be repetitive. what is there to think about in regards to Us, except more pleads of desperation and anxiety. how many more faces and shadows will ii mistake for Yours. how many more times can my heart drop. how many more times will my eyes focus then shift. You have succeeded in overriding a strong majority of my daydreams. kudos. my Love, where are You right now.

how many hours has it been. ii’ve reloaded on complaints ii need to whine about. ii have new pouty faces to show You. ii have a new way to love You. ii softened my touch, specifically for You. ii’ve increased my patience. ii even toned down my wild style. ii have these new things to show You. small things they are, but ii know You’ll appreciate them. ii just need You here.

just come to me.

come here.

now.

4:31pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKeeS6
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
March 26, 2012
shattered revelation…

Father, forgive me… for ii know all that ii do.

” what do you know of Beauty. what is more beautiful than Death. gaze upon me, mortal queen “

a lobotomy is needed. for these tears. an illness they’ll say, an infatuation ii say. my tears, tears ii take blame for. your tears, tears ii will take blame for. the lengths to which ii’ll go in order to redeem them. the pressure ii will cause. the foundations ii will collapse.

who granted me such power. such immortality. these guarded promises were bestowed upon tellurians with blessings of things to come, more beauty to be created in later generations. but somewhere down the strand of nature, a disloyalty erupted. a dishonesty brewed. the purity of a promise crumbled, and tainted the bloodlines of us who were blessed with the understanding and full grasp of Love.

with readiness, passion, & the will to be lured out into those dangerous zones of human emotion, deceived by the veil of false mutuality, and publicly slaughtered for the sake of selfish pleasure, pride, and depleted innocence. where…where has this Love brought us. we bare the essence of it. we breed the offspring of it, but for what. are we forced to yield our existence, our freedom, our sanity, just for it to make us more noble and radiant. is this ideology of Love nothing more than a metaphor set in place for us to emulate our intangible valuables and profits of existence. the constant give & take, where we face more loss than gain.

give me love. give me life. give me death.

it’s all beautiful. it’s all innate. it’s all beautiful.

if we place ourselves in the hands of Love, my only worry is whether it will place us on higher ground or release us into the wilderness of our psyches, to destroy ourselves and any attachment we claim.

my claim to you is made valid through tears. ii’ve had them all life long, they have stayed true and consistent. ii got lost in them, ii lost control of them, ii lost them, & ii rediscovered them. ii have them back, and ii want them to be here to witness this journey. ii do not want them to stay confined. ii do not want to make them feel they aren’t welcome anymore. ii want to have this happiness, but not at the loss of my tears. ii don’t want to sacrifice them forever for the sake of a smile. a smile is insignificant in the presence of tears. they are the stars that glitter in the midnight space sky of my eyes. they run wild & free. they do not even need explanations. they’ve seen me through gains and losses. it can just be us, no words needed to understand what we know or don’t know. ii controlled them since ii learned to control myself. they comfort me when ii’m faced with my abandonment issues. do not wish for them to leave me. embrace yours, and be compassionate enough to give them to me. be sure that they’ll always & only be for me. & that is how ii for sure can be stable in knowing and feeling you are fully mine.

if it should come down to it, we will leave here together, or at the hands of one another. this is all ii see, & all ii desire is for our tears to be there to accompany us.

3:47am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKdBeb
Filed under: saydizumm writing 
December 13, 2011
‘sade - and ii miss you’…

That song is for Me.

To Self, From Self.

a complete vent of how much ii miss whatever mentality ii formerly possessed & can barely even remember. it’s been so long. well, that’s not the right word of choice. it’s been… so much.

so much going on, so much going off, so much going around, so much going… going… going.

still to this day, but the further it seems ii’m drifting from this alluring distorted Utopia, the tighter ii seem to want to hold onto it -whatever ‘it’ is. ii now see that that’s probably how ii can drive myself to the white walls.

that admittance just caused that tip of my heart, the frozen tip, to chip off a bit. not completely, of course. because the deeper down, the colder it gets… & thus, harder to break.

5:17pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmtZQsjKbHLL
Filed under: saydizumm writing sade